“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” – Jim Rohn, a famous motivational speaker and self-help guru.
I believe the underlying intent of Jim’s quote is who you spend time with influences the person you eventually become. Who you are with can elevate you as much as it can bring you down.
The kind of people you interact with influences
(1) your consciousness level and
(2) your beliefs and behaviour in a particular area.
There is a famous story about an eagle. Once an eagle’s egg somehow fell unbroken from an eagle’s nest from a branch high above a tree, to a hen’s nest under the same tree.
The egg was hatched by the brooding mother hen.
The fledgling eagle, with its proverbial strong eyes, saw the world for the first time.
Looking at the other prairie chickens, he did what they did.
He crawled and scratched at the earth, pecked here and there for stray grains and husks, now and then rising in a flutter a few feet above the earth and then descending again.
He accepted and imitated the daily routine of the earthbound prairie chickens.
He spent most of his life this way.
As the story continues – it has 3 endings in my opinion.
One ending is: – One day an eagle flew over the brood of prairie chicken. The now aging eagle, who still thought he was a prairie chicken, looked up in awed admiration as the great bird soared through the skies.
“What is that?” he gasped in astonishment.
One of the old prairie chickens replied, “I have seen one before. That is an eagle, the proudest, strongest and most magnificent of all the birds. But don’t you ever dream that you could be like that. You are like the rest of us and we are prairie chicken.”
So, shackled by this belief, the eagle lived and died thinking he was a prairie chicken.
The other ending is only a wee bit different.
A wizard was passing by when he sported this eaglet behaving like a chicken. He observed the flock closely and understood what could have happened. He approached the eaglet and lifted it in his hands. The eaglet was scared and fluttered its wings frenziedly. The wizard took the eaglet with him and climbed the nearby hill. He climbed the peak and went to the edge of the cliff. He then nudged the eaglet to fly. However, unaware of its true potential the eaglet scurried to the wizard. He then gently lifted the fledgling and caressed it and then threw it down the 100 ft cliff. The bird franticly dropped screeching. It dropped rapidly for the first 30-40 feet. Then it fluttered its majestic wings and made an effort to fly. Just 20 ft above the ground the eaglet realised its true potential and out of its instinct for survival learned to fly and soared high. It flew up the valley and over the clouds and wide. By the evening it was tired of his adventure and wanted to share his saga so he went back to the flock of chicken and shared the experience. What do you think happened? An eagle was sharing with chicken. Chicken that can fly only up to 10 feet laughed at the eaglet. They made fun of him and thought his narrative as a fairy-tale.
What happened next? The eaglet doubted his capability and never tried again. He wanted to belong to the flock and so lived like the rest of them for the rest of its life.
The third ending is of a true leader. The eaglet explored the horizon far and wide. It flew up and far and beyond the clouds. When it was tired he perched on the highest branch of a tree and reflected that he needs to find the likes of his own. He understood he was different and did not feel the need to belong to a wrong place. It took him days and weeks but he found his own congregation and spent the rest of his years exploring the world and soaring high. He thereon lived and died like the king of birds.
I believe that deep down inside everyone there is an eagle. You don’t know the strength of your own wings. Through this story I have shared some examples of the different people I’ve interacted in my life; you may find parallel experiences in your life while listening to me. Second ending is the one I feel sorry for the most.
The eaglet got an opportunity to explore the potential.
It soared high above. Had an opportunity to continue like that.
However, it came back to the clutch of chicks and live them for the rest of the life.
I have worked with a lot of people from this segment. Life throws them in situations where they have to go within and access their inner strength. You have done it in the past. You were working on the most important business deal. There were your colleagues waiting for you to fail so that pounce on it and snatch. And that is when a close family member fell sick and was hospitalised. You juggled between work-hospital-home. Taking care, buying medicines and making presentations and meeting clients or studying for an exam.
Even today as I speak, when you reminisce those times, you wonder how you did it. All your life you have been complaining I cannot multi-task and those days you did all that was required. You managed. Today if someone asks you how did you do it, you will probably shrug your shoulders and say I don’t know. You don’t remember eating food or sleeping a full nights sleep. What time did you shower? You cannot recall but then you performed all your duties. You got the deal. The loved one is safe and home. You got promoted or got that increment. However, you still are most proud of your efforts. Then what? Did you continue to act like a leader or retire to the nest of brooding hen.
This is what I will call acting out of survival mode. The situation was imposed and you spread your wings. Once the situation normalises you are back to being a chicken. When you are surrounded by people of pretty low consciousnesses, who are often focused on the doom and gloom of life. You are also involved in the same rut.
Sharing from personal experience, when I was surrounded by colleagues of a much higher level of consciousness my life standards elevated. Working with them, I realised that they were very solution-focused, positive, and driven. It was extremely invigorating and uplifting just to be around them, and this was one of the most motivating periods of my life.
Most percentage of the population is what I like to call Sleepwalkers.
They lack a core focus. Their lives revolve around working, eating, sleeping, random entertainment, and generally getting by. When I am with them, I find it very difficult to lift the discussion from lower level, fear-based and ego-based topics like gossip, complaining, unhappiness, and day-to-day weary, to higher-level, love-based topics such as living with purpose and self-improvement.
I have found that there are two factors that determine the extent to which your thoughts and actions are influenced by the people around you. The first is your consciousness and resilience as an individual. The second is the collective sum of consciousness of the people you are with.
There is a proverb: ‘Birds of a feather, flock together’
When applied to people, this phrase means that people who are similar to each other or share similar interests tend to spend time with each other. You have probably noticed this at school. Today also, the friends that you hang out with are probably similar to you or like the same things that you do.
Henry Ford and Thomas Edison were the best friends and stayed so till the end of their lives. It is only natural for people with similar interests to hang out together. Two iconic inventors. One adorable tale of best friends. Their world-changing accomplishments are well known, but the genuine friendship of Thomas Edison and Henry Ford makes for a delightful story not many people have heard. Just one brief encounter led to a lifelong bond so strong that the men even ended up buying neighbouring vacation homes in Fort Myers, Florida.
In 1896, Henry Ford attended the convention of the Association of Edison Illuminating Companies in New York. Thomas Edison was Ford’s boyhood hero. A brief encounter between the two inventors was enough to set the foundation of a friendship that lasted for the rest of their lives.
Between 1914 and 1924, Ford and Edison toured the eastern U.S. in Ford cars for a series of camping trips. The BFFs were joined by other famous figures, tire-maker Harvey Firestone and essayist John Burroughs, and branded themselves “the Vagabonds” for their cross-country adventures.
The trips functioned as advertisements for Ford cars and Firestone tires, generating headlines like “Millions of Dollars’ Worth of Brains off on a Vacation” and “Genius to Sleep Under Stars.” The trips were the general excursion but allowed these stalwarts to exchange ideas and share vision. Of course, the trips were also about the boys out in the wilderness, where they would challenge each other to races and tree chopping and high kicking contests during the day and tell stories around the campfire at night.
In 1916, the two became neighbours. Ford’s estate, “The Mangoes,” sits adjacent to Edison’s “Seminole Lodge,” and remains there today for visitors to enjoy. They were able to undertake such trips because their minds resonated at the same frequencies.
There is another powerful bond between two giants.
Bill Gates, 65 years old, is the second-richest person in the world. He’s the former CEO of Microsoft and the cofounder of the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation.
Warren Buffett, 90, is the third-richest person in the world. He’s a legendary investor and the CEO of Berkshire Hathaway.
They met almost 30 years ago and ever since have been going strong. They both credit their tremendous success as friends to their laser focus. Gates has written that he’s learned from Buffett how to manage his time by prioritizing certain people and tasks.
The friendship has made a big impact on both men. Gates wrote that “Warren has helped us [Bill and Melinda] do two things that are impossible to overdo in one lifetime: learn more and laugh more.” Today they are on each other’s speed dial.
It is not only who you are friends with. We all are aware how the history of the 30-year feud between Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, whose love-hate relationship spurred the success of Microsoft and Apple.
You may be the most conscious and smartest individual around, but if you are constantly surrounded by negative, fear-based people in your life, it will impact who you eventually become. Your progression in life.
If you are heavily grounded, there may be a limited downside that your negative friends can bring you. However, you also get a limited upside as you are spending time with people who hold you back rather than people who can be elevating you.
This is what Robert Kiyosaki experienced as well, which he shared in his book Rich Dad, Poor Dad. He had two dads — his real dad, stuck in the middle-class with limiting views on money. Then he had a rich dad, one of the wealthiest man in Hawaii and who was smart about getting money to work for him. By consciously choosing to learn about money from his rich dad, he acquired many beliefs and a positive mindset on how to become rich. This eventually led him to become successful in life.
He said if you hang out with a group of successful, positive individuals who believe in taking responsibility for their lives, you will become a proactive individual who shapes his/her future.
On the contrary, if you hang out with a bunch of pessimists who believe that the world is out to get them and there is nothing worthwhile. You will descend into a pool of negativity at some point, even if you are initially a positive person.
This is especially important in goal achievement because the consciousness you vibrate at affects your thoughts and actions.
If your target is to lose 10 kgs of weight, but you constantly surround yourself with people who have unhealthy eating habits. Your ability to stay on track with your health goal will boil down to how focused and resilient you are. Consider how much easier this task becomes if you are already hanging out with like-minded people who share a similar goal, or even people who have already achieved this goal.
Of course, this does not mean that you should sever relationships or cut away anyone who doesn’t contribute to your goals.
It just means that you should monitor your contact with people who do not enable you to become a better person. Only in the event that a person is seriously dragging you down should you cut him/her away.
These days finding a community and belonging to it is very easy. Probably a decade or more so back if you wanted to associate with likeminded people you had to move to bigger cities, better global organisations. Now a days internet has opened the doors to all kinds community platforms.
Facebook pages, LinkedIn, Blogs have given options were you can get in touch with others who share the same interests. There are various apps like Pacer, Healthkart and Fitbit for health conscious people. There are online book clubs and travel cites and blogs and Facebook pages for travel enthusiasts.
Association is not only the people you physically hangout with. It also refers to the zone you are constantly in, your self talk. If you want to have a friend like Warren Buffet then you have to be Bill Gates and vice-versa.
Remember, if you entrench yourself in relationships that does not elevate you or bring you forward, you are not really helping yourself. Neither are you helping the other person. That’s because you are not being the best you can be and subsequently, not being the best you can be to them. You may also be indirectly enabling them in their own negative behaviours.
Exercise: Identify your core circle
Let us do an exercise now. Pick up your pen and paper, and then write down your answers to the following questions:
1. What kind of person do you want to be?
What is the ideal self you wish to become? What qualities do you wish to possess?
2. Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with currently?
What are they like? What top 3 qualities do each of them represent?
3. Do they match who you want to be in the future?
Do their qualities match who you want to become? Do they help support you or detract you from your vision for yourself? Do they elevate you or bring you down?
4. Who are the top 5 people who embody the qualities you desire?
They should be people you aspire to become or respect in some way or another. It can be someone who has already achieved the end state or the goal that you want to achieve. There are no rules here
- it does not matter whether the person is a celebrity or a general person,
- whether he/she is a personal friend or someone outside your social circle,
- whether he/she is alive or dead. It can Oprah, Benjamin Franklin, Albert Einstein, Barack Obama, or whoever you want it to be. Let your imagination run wild!
- The person may or may not be related to your field. For example if you want to become an entrepreneur you may seek inspiration from a sports icon, because the principles of success remain same.
- However, same profession role model is an added advantage. If one of your career aspirations is to be a chef, you can list the Iron Chef or a world-renowned, international award winning chef as one of the 5 people.
- If you want to lose 50 kg of weight, list someone who has already achieved this goal or who has your desired body type/weight. It could be someone you know may be a Bollywood star like Akshay Kumar or Anil Kapoor.
- If you want to be a movie producer, list someone who has achieved successful in this line of work, such as Steven Spielberg, James Cameron or Christopher Nolan.
5. How can you increase contact with them?
This is the interesting part. Depending on who the people are, you can use the following methods to reach out to them:
- Direct contact: This can be face-to-face contact, telephone, or email/internet.
- How can you increase the opportunities of interacting with this person?
- If you know the person, how can you communicate with him/her more often?
- If you don’t know the person, does this person belong to a certain community that you can be part of?
- Do you have any friends who might know this individual?
- Is there a way for you to join the same social circles? One such platform is clubhouse, where various renowned personnel’s hold sessions on relevant topics and you can interact with them directly.
- Products of their work:
- If direct communication does not work out, you can always bring the person to you in the form of his/her work.
- You can read the biography or the autobiography of the person.
- You may watch web series or other shows related
- Does the person have any work under his/her name, such as shows, books or podcasts?
- Get your hands on them and soak yourself in them.
- These materials were after all made by them and the content will convey their consciousness and knowledge.
- In essence, being exposed to these materials is the same to interacting with these people.
- Visualization:
- This one sounds like the most airy-fairy method out of the three, but it is actually the most powerful.
- Clear your mind and visualize these people mentally.
- Then, mentally consult them and observe their responses to whatever you ask.
- It can also be used in daily life, where you project their persona in varying life situations and think/act the way you think they will.
Napoleon Hill wrote in Think and Grow Rich that every night before he slept, he would have an imaginary council meeting with his “invisible counsellors.” The council started out with a group of 9; it eventually expanded to over 50. It included people like Darwin, Einstein, Aristotle, Confucius, and Socrates. Through these nightly council meetings, he received immense inspiration, knowledge, and ideas which he credited for his success in life.
What will happen as you increase your contact with these 5 people?
If the difference in your consciousness levels is high, you may probably feel like a terrible misfit initially. You may encounter some jargons and topics that are different from what you are used to. Even when they talk about topics you are familiar with, their perspectives can be totally different. You may feel awkward around them.
Nevertheless, if you make it a habit to connect with them, even if for just 15 minutes, it’s a matter of time before your consciousness alters and shifts to the new level. Eventually, you will start resonating with the people you aspire to be. You will find that you start thinking in the same wavelength and start talking about the same topics as them. This thinking will then affect your actions, which will manifest into the results you see in life.
By choosing who you spend time with, you literally shape your future. Start by examining the people you spend the most time around. Consider if these people are enabling you toward your envisioned self. If they are not, identify and increase contact with the people who will enable you to become the best person you can be.